Why I Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People — And What I Changed
For years, I found myself caught in the same painful cycle: falling for people who couldn’t love me the way I needed. They were charming, deep, and magnetic at first — but when it came time to show up emotionally, they disappeared. And I was left asking the same question over and over:
Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people?
This blog is a reflection on the moment I finally faced that question head-on — and what changed when I took responsibility for my own emotional availability.
🚩 The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore
It didn’t matter how different the relationships looked on the outside; the ending was always the same. They pulled away. I chased. They got distant. I tried harder.
Over time, I realized I was mistaking intensity for intimacy. The highs felt addictive. But the connection lacked emotional safety.
🌪️ What I Was Really Attracting
Here’s what took me a long time to admit:
I was attracting people who couldn’t meet me emotionally because, deep down, I wasn’t fully available either.
I feared vulnerability.I feared being truly seen. And choosing emotionally unavailable partners protected me from the risk of real intimacy.
Oof. That one hurt.
✨ What I Changed
Once I understood my part in the dynamic, everything shifted. Here’s what I started doing differently:
1. I Got Honest With Myself
I stopped romanticizing people’s potential and started seeing their patterns clearly.I asked: “Do their actions match their words? Are they emotionally present now — not just promising they will be?”
2. Looked at My Own Walls
I started therapy. I looked at my fears of abandonment, rejection, and engulfment. asked myself: “What am I afraid will happen if I’m fully seen?”
3. I Practiced Being Available
With friends, with family, with myself. I began to show up vulnerably. I stopped ghosting my own emotions.
4. I Set Boundaries Without Guilt
When someone showed signs of emotional unavailability, I didn’t chase. I honored what I needed.
📊 How My Relationships Changed
I no longer get hooked by hot-and-cold dynamics. I now value consistency over chemistry. And because I show up fully, I attract people who do the same.
Healing this pattern didn’t make me perfect. But it did make me more self-aware, more grounded, and more loving.
💬 Your Turn
If you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people, ask yourself:
- Where am I emotionally unavailable to myself?
- What scares me about real intimacy?
- What would change if I started showing up fully?
You deserve a love that meets you in the middle, not one that leaves you doing all the emotional labor.